That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
