Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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