I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
