mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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