Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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