If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
