I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
