Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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