Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
