you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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