Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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