Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
