I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
