there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
