Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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