Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
