If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
