i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
