Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
