I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
