and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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