your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
