yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
