so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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