I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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