If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
