I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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