nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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