I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish I could teleport
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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