You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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