Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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