I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
