What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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