I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
