so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
