Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
