2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I skipped work to stalk him.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
