does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
