Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
