Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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