I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
