My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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