dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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