I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
