Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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