I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is Oprah even human
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
