so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
