Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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