I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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