I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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